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| i hate you, i hate you because i think that maybe i really was in love with you and i never realized until it being too late. i hate myself for crying and being so weak, vunerable. right now im at the point where i just hate everything and i just wanna drown myself in my tears cuz it doesnt seem like its going to get better.
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im surprised i havent cried yet. so much shit has happened all in such a small period of time. first i get into an 'accident' if thats what were gonna call it. does it matter what its called, i still have to pay for it and deal with some more people talking shit. thanksgiving break, that means my friends from college are home that also means that other people are home. and although i havent talked to them or contacted them they insist on invading my privacy and talking shit. again some added drama. what are friends? honestly i have no idea, because no one can keep a secret. why is it so hard for me to trust? why is it so hard for you to keep a promise? then basketball wow, fuck it. just when you think something is going good it all ends horribly. but wahtever fuck that if i dont get respect then im not about to hand it out either. i wanna get over with this shit and be move on.
i just wanna cry, and so now i am. who do i have to lean on? no one. cuz everyone is a let down. im a let down and idk what im suppose to do. im suppose to enjoy time in the present but i cant help but to want the future to happen already. im just so tired of the same thing over and over. i wanna be happy! i wanna be happpppyyyy!! thats all i want really. and it seems like its just out of reach. almost but not quite.
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love is for suckas. and im not one. i dont know what love is and right now im too scared to find out. so im just gonna give up. because im not worth the truth, and im not worth honesty and faithfulness.
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REVELATION: i dont need him. nope nope nope. it wasnt worth my tears in the first place. im just gonna get rid of all his things (aka the 'baggage') and move on. im 18 years old what do i need a guy for? exactly i dont.
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"let's face it ; we've changed. we've all changed somewhere between summer ending & school starting we've all gone in our own directions, hearts were broken, friendships diminished, new loves started & new people came into our lives. we no longer spend all our time together in our circle of friend's & we no longer talk for hours, we've changed, some for the better some for the worse. "
So very true that its almost scary. "People go in their own directions", yeah its true. people go off to college, some almost forget about you, others keep in touch. the ones that forget act like they all of a sudden remember, also known as false hope because its only a matter of time until they forget again. "Hearts were broken", maybe not neccessarily his because i dont think he ever did love me, or was 'in love' with me as much as he says. i think my heart was broken when i gave up what i did. it still feels empty and i feel like i need to move on. but its hard, space will make it easier i hope. and my new job. "friendships diminish", you see who you can trust, no one. everyones on their own agendas and no ones really got your back. its all fake, highschool is fake. well i got my own back and thats all i need.
everything is different and i guess i'll learn to live with that. concentrate on working out, my new job, school and college (havent started the apps yet!!). i dont need people do i? or do i just need to surround myself with better ones?
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