rainbowPRIDE53's Xanga

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 22:59:36 GMT

i hate you, i hate you because i think that maybe i really was in love with you and i never realized until it being too late. i hate myself for crying and being so weak, vunerable. right now im at the point where i just hate everything and i just wanna drown myself in my tears cuz it doesnt seem like its going to get better.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 21:05:58 GMT

im surprised i havent cried yet. so much shit has happened all in such a small period of time. first i get into an 'accident' if thats what were gonna call it. does it matter what its called, i still have to pay for it and deal with some more people talking shit. thanksgiving break, that means my friends from college are home that also means that other people are home. and although i havent talked to them or contacted them they insist on invading my privacy and talking shit. again some added drama. what are friends? honestly i have no idea, because no one can keep a secret. why is it so hard for me to trust? why is it so hard for you to keep a promise? then basketball wow, fuck it. just when you think something is going good it all ends horribly. but wahtever fuck that if i dont get respect then im not about to hand it out either. i wanna get over with this shit and be move on.

i just wanna cry, and so now i am. who do i have to lean on? no one. cuz everyone is a let down. im a let down and idk what im suppose to do. im suppose to enjoy time in the present but i cant help but to want the future to happen already. im just so tired of the same thing over and over. i wanna be happy! i wanna be happpppyyyy!! thats all i want really. and it seems like its just out of reach. almost but not quite.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:43:58 GMT

love is for suckas. and im not one. i dont know what love is and right now im too scared to find out. so im just gonna give up. because im not worth the truth, and im not worth honesty and faithfulness.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 01:59:32 GMT

REVELATION: i dont need him. nope nope nope. it wasnt worth my tears in the first place. im just gonna get rid of all his things (aka the 'baggage') and move on. im 18 years old what do i need a guy for? exactly i dont.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 03:26:49 GMT

        "let's face it ; we've changed. we've all changed somewhere between summer ending &                       school starting we've all gone in our own directions, hearts were broken, friendships                     diminished, new loves started & new people came into our lives. we no longer spend all our         time together in our circle of friend's & we no longer talk for hours, we've changed, some for         the better some for the worse. "

    So very true that its almost scary. "People go in their own directions", yeah its true. people go off to college, some almost forget about you, others keep in touch. the ones that forget act like they all of a sudden remember, also known as false hope because its only a matter of time until they forget again. "Hearts were broken", maybe not neccessarily his because i dont think he ever did love me, or was 'in love' with me as much as he says. i think my heart was broken when i gave up what i did. it still feels empty and i feel like i need to move on. but its hard, space will make it easier i hope. and my new job. "friendships diminish", you see who you can trust, no one. everyones on their own agendas and no ones really got your back. its all fake, highschool is fake. well i got my own back and thats all i need.

    everything is different and i guess i'll learn to live with that. concentrate on working out, my new job, school and college (havent started the apps yet!!). i dont need people do i? or do i just need to surround myself with better ones?

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:18:10 GMT

"in order to ask and be given forgiveness you must forgive others"

wow. so ive been thinking alot of that lately. something i heard in church and i guess it applies to me..alot. I forgive Grace and Erica for what they did to me. For the way they treated me and made me feel. I forgive Niah for breaking me into a million pieces all the time, and turning me in to the mess I am today. But I am at fault for letting her, I realize that they were not the only ones at fault, it was me too. I understand that. I dont want them in my life. I think as far as that goes I'm better off alone than in a situation I dont think Im ready for. I forgive them though, and thats good for now. We will see where it goes. Only time will tell.

Oh and I forgive Kyler... I dunno what he did thought I just feel like he did something. I guess I forgive him for doing anything I dont know about.. that I wouldnt be too happy about. I forgive myself too, for doing what I did when I wasnt ready. True love waits. I know that now.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 02:54:47 GMT

i let him go. but secretly i still care about if hes talking to other girls, what hes doing, if hes thinking about me. but why? why if hes not the one. i think i know that there definitely isn't THE ONE for me. theres no such thing. my expectations are too high and everyone in high school is just concerned about three things; drinking, drugs, and sex. im not, call me boring call me whatever you want but if it means sitting home on the weekend then i guess thats what it amounts to. it'll get better with time right? i sure hope so cuz i feel like total and complete crap right now. but its what i needed right? or atleast i hope so. i want someone with all the answers in the world.. cuz i have all the questions in the world. the more im alone, the more differently i look at people. i observe them? i guess it sounds weird but i just watch things people do more and try and figure out why... me myself n i kinda like its always really been. cuz you cant trust anyone in the real world so why risk it? whats love anyway... some mess of feelings that lasts for a short period of time.. i guess thats what it is and maybe i dont deserve it or maybe i dont want it. i want forever and forever doesn't exist. i dunno i dunno anything... im gonna go wallow in my sorrow.

xo maj

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 06:15:29 GMT

hmm so much to say. so many things on my mind. overwhelming. where should i start....

him. i dont trust him. i dont think i love him? but i dont know i really dont know what its like to truly love someone...maybe i just like him a lot. i think about him...often. but i really dont trust him. i dont trust anyone and i think thats my downfall. and maybe im too scared to be in love. i dont think anyone is in love at this age. i said something today... 'true love is dead' and it shocked how the more i thought about it the more i agreed with myself. many people have parents that are still together...well not really that many but ill say 60% and they would say they are truly in love [granted everyone is different] but they have been together for 15+ years, they have their issues but work them out together and will probably stay together til 'death does them part'. But thats so many generations away from us, or me. now people start dating and as soon as theyve dated for maybe two months theyre both all 'omg im soooooo in luv with mah baybeeeeee, mah wifey imma luv her foreva!' no, your not. and then they break up because someone cheated because one person is no longer enough for anyone. for me its enough but i dont think i will ever find that one person that i trust completely to not leave me. because even though i want one person i know i wont find someone who just wants me, just me. for all my flaws and for everything crazy about me and for everything great about me. theyll leave me when the going gets tough, theyll talk to me when its convenient for them, they wont be there when i need them...theyll leave me for someone better than me. which is great, add to my already low self esteem [which i guess makes another topic to discuss]. whats love? what is it, i dont know. i know i love my mom, my dad, my brother, my puppy. but i dont know how to love anyone whose not related to me....someone who's suppose to be my significant other.. i dont know how to love them. i dont know if i ever will. maybe im wrong but chances are im not. chances are im completely right and as sad as it is i guess i better get used to being alone and atleast ill be independent. i know its a flaw. ive already had so many people tell me that im never gonna find love if i dont put myself out there. but i havent found someone worth putting myself out there. someone who my parents will approve of... yeah thatll never happen. someone who i can trust, that definitely wont ever happen. ahhh frustrating. but im young so i have time.... i hope.

hmm i still wanna talk about college and jealousy but im tired. ill get back to that some other time.

peace love & kobe

Friday, August 08, 2008

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 05:25:05 GMT

looks like im going to end up keeping this xanga for a lot longer than i ever expected. myspace is gone and i know ive deleted it before and gotten a new one a little while after but i really dont think ill be going back. i dont need it, dont need it at all.

im single; kinda. i did something horrible. something i never thought i would do, well not atleast until i was ready. but i went against everything i beleived in. i gave away something special and ill never get it back. i completely regret being so stupid and foolish. but i cant face him after what happened so i... broke up with him. i dont know if i can ever look at him the same again. its just too hard for me to try. he wants me to try but i dont know if i can. im not gonna talk to him for a few days and just lay off of all of it completely until i can get my mind cleared and until i figure out what i want... knowing me that wont happen, im way too indecisive and i dont know what i want. hopeful i change that, but old habits die hard and one of mine is pessimism.

peace; love & kobe

Friday, July 11, 2008

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:50:25 GMT

revelation; its not the people you miss, its who they used to be that you miss.

so true. i was looking at old videos and pictures of my friends and i was sad for a minute because i missed what we had. but we could never have that again because of what they've done and who they've become. so i have nothing to miss. and some might call it an excuse but i call it the truth.

my cousins are leaving in a few days and their visit was far from expected to say the least. and i mean that in a bad way. but i guess we live and we learn.

hmmmph. him. wow. a rollarcoaster i dunno where it will end up. im holding back and ill keep holding back. cuz you cant trust anyone, remember that. everyones out for themselves and anyone can turn on you. me myself n i is what it is.

peace love & kobe